I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
