i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
