We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
