The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
porn star boner night. come get it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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