i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
