Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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