Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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