I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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