I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
