dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
