My hand turned me down
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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