I think my fart just growled at me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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