Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
