Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
