I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
