I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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