my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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