He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
