apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
