I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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