Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
