I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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