Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
