My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
