SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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