This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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