I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
