My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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