Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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