she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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