I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
