Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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