I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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