And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
