i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
