You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
