Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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