Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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