Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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