chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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