3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
