She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
