Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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