He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
