I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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