If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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