At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
