i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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