Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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