i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
