the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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