Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
