the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
